I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
They are going to name an STD after you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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