So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
In other news, I just burned my penis
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
