I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
