if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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