i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
