and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize