So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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