so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
