My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
