This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
