Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize