I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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