Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
