She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
