You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
