I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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