I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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