Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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