umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
