We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize