Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
