She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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