woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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