Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
