yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
