only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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