I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
