i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
