i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
