What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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