I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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