Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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