just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
