a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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