I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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