This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
