I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
