does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
