The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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