You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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