No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Everclear isn't food dammit
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
