If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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