dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
