I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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