You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
