he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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