I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
