The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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