you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
