Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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