I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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