Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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