Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
