dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
