I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
