its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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