too bad you live with your parents still
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
