Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
