can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
