Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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